How to Be a Terrific Grandparent –Without Stepping on Anybody’s Toes

Good advice for any grandparent.

The main theme of the conference was “Echoes from the Womb”. It focused on the importance of babies’ experiences in the womb, at birth, and in the first year of life.  Speakers like Bruce Lipton, Annie Murphy Paul, Raylene Phillips, Gabor Maté, and Marcy Axness discussed some key concepts that many people aren’t familiar with:

•  Healthy development in the period before birth has a huge impact on the lifelong health and resilience of every person.  That development depends on the chemistry of the womb environment and that hormones released by a stressed-out mother can  impair the baby’s development with lasting effects.
• One-third to one-half of all mothers and babies today experience trauma at birth, often as a result of unnecessary medical interventions, like induced births and caesarean sections.
• Infants need to form close attachment with their mothers right away after birth.  The keys to this attachment are skin-to-skin touch, eye contact, holding and soothing voices.  Throughout the first year of life, babies continue to need secure attachments with their parents and other adults.  Secure attachment tells the baby that he is loved and welcomed in the world.  Interruptions in the attachment process strongly affect the development of a baby’s brain and are leading causes of mental illness and addictions in adult life.

This scientific knowledge was not available when our children were babies, 25 or 30 years ago, so many grandparents may not be aware of it.

What does all this mean to us as grandparents?  It points to important ways that we can help our grandchildren.  Grandparents:

• Help to reduce the mother’s stress, both during pregnancy and after the baby is born.
• Be available to talk with our children about birth choices, listen to their concerns, and help them find options that will be best for them.
• Spend time with our grandbabies, holding them, talking to and soothing them to build secure attachment.  Every moment that a baby receives undivided attention and love is an investment in their future health and happiness.

You’re probably excited.  You may imagine yourself holding the grandbaby, playing with a toddler, or watching your grandchild in a school play.

People take many different approaches to grandparenthood, shaped by their own experiences and the dynamics of their family.  The time before the baby comes offers an opportunity to reflect on your new role as a grandparent.  What does your child (the new parent) need?  How can you help? What do you aspire to?  We have developed a New Grandparent Checklist which has both questions to think about and steps you can take to prepare to be a wonderful grandparent.

Do you know that you have an opportunity to enhance your grandchild’s life and future health right away –even before they are born?   Take time to learn about the new science of pregnancy and early development.  We will continue to address these topics here at Planet Grandparent and there are great resources on our Resources page.

Open up to your potential as a grandparent.  Send love to your grandbaby and the entire family.

Technology tools can help to compensate –Skype video calls are wonderful. We got a thrill when our 17-month old grandson waved to us at the end of a Skype session. Facebook is a great way to share photos. I’ve read about grandparents who play online Scrabble or chess with their grandchildren. I’m looking forward to that in a few years.

But my favorite idea, suggested by a friend, is low-tech. He writes letters to his granddaughter – paper letters delivered by snail mail. She saves them and may very well still have them when she is grown. Even a three-year old will be excited when a letter arrives just for them. You can enclose drawings, photos, and pictures from magazines. They may all end up in a shoe box that someone will treasure years from now.

If you have any other ideas for distance grandparenting, please chime in.

Stuart Brown, director of the National Institute of Play, defines play as “spontaneous behavior that is pleasurable and has no clear cut goals or conforms to a stereotypical pattern.”  All play is educational learning and is a human right and need of every child.

Getting into the flow of play energizes you while benefiting the child’s developing brain and cognitive, social, physical and emotional learning.  Early play is also an indicator of the child’s unique talents and interests that require encouragement.  It is usually the most rewarding time that you and your grandchild can spend together.

Here is an approach to early play that works:

•  Switch gears, breathe, and stretch. Let go of adult thoughts and your “to-do” list before interacting with your grandchild.
• Tune in to the baby in the present moment.  What is his body saying?  Pay attention to actions and movements.  Say out loud exactly what you observe.  “I see that you are kicking and moving your fingers.”
• Follow the child’s lead.  First, match his rhythms, vocalizations and movements.  Then you can offer little changes.
• Play when the baby is alert and relaxed, rather than on your schedule.  Acknowledge his real feelings as OK.
• Watch out for overstimulation.  A baby or toddler will turn away when overstimulated.  Pause play until he gives his full attention back to you or the “peek a boo” game.
• Engage in face-to-face play.  Look into each other’s eyes often and show how delighted you are.
• Get on the child’s level, down on the floor for tummy time.  You may need to do this in small doses at first.
• Allow sensory and motor exploration.  Allow time for repetition and mastery.

Often, I discover that young children are overstimulated at home and school as they have too many toys or the wrong ones.  For example, babies need to have the right size and weight rattles and manipulative toys.  I prefer wooden rather than plastic toys.

Babies and toddlers love music and need to creatively move and be moved.  Don’t forget to stress the crawling stages.  The idea is to play simply, but with endless variations on a theme.  You can “play peek-a-boo” with hands, scarves, hats, or behind chairs.

Change the timing of actions from fast to slow, change the force from light touch to stronger force and change the space so that the child feels comfortable in both small and large spaces.  Your grandchild develops the movement behavior style by age seven that she will carry into adulthood.

When you cultivate the spirit of free flowing play, you and your grandchild can have fun anywhere and any time.